Saturday, May 21, 2011

Chronic Conversational Constipation.. Is it curable?

Conversational Constipation Syndrome: 


people inflicted may have  two mobile phones, numerous gadgets to stay connected with people. Just don't like to talk on the phone, chat or speak to people face to face. They usually have low tolerance for "yappers", and phone social giants!!! 

The condition is usually severe enough that even people They love and could be dying to see, They just don't want to talk to; not on the phone not face to face. Those individuals may experience brief psychosis with redundant telephone calls and face to face conversations.

On the other hand, when it comes to non talking media i.e. not face to face media such as the internet (twitter or FB), a conversational constipated individual can be a "social giant".

- Often found in individuals  who's job requirements demand listening to peoples' complaints.. ALL DAY LONG!! to extract "useful" information from the sea of Bull Sh__ people throw at them. 
- genetic 
- individuals with limited  attention span
- individuals allergic to telephones 

Pathogenesis (what happens to people afflicted with the condition): 

In mild cases, individuals with conversational Constipation Syndrome (CCS)  may have episodes of detachment from reality where they they start little mind games or self talk e.g. bet with oneself that the person perceived as a "yapper" won't catch breath for several minutes or repeat the same none sense for a select number of times. When they reach the select number in their mind they would interrupt.

In moderate cases mind games may fail to keep the CCS afflicted individual from pleading and shouting  impulsively statements such as " I am not mentally handicapped and I swear on your Bible, Quran and Torah that "I GOT IT!!".  Such individuals may lose their jobs, face and grace when they lose impulse control.

In severe cases of CCS, the patient  may turn violent and briefly psychotic. They may fail to manage keeping themselves from jumping off their chairs over a desk and lunging at a "yappers" throat. 

The following are methods that a CCS patient can use to control oneself when confronted: 
1- Try statements like : "my attention span is not that great especially on the phone".
OR: " sorry I didn't hear the whole message it was cut off"..
2- The times You have to leave a  message make it brief and include this: "Ok, that's it.. I hate to leave long messages, talk to you soon" at the end.
3- If they still don't get the hint: adopt the escalation mode: 
 "I get too many messages, please keep them brief dear". 
4-  If still resistant: 
"Why do you have to leave such long messages.. life is too short!!  jokingly.. " 
5- Should the above methods fail, go to the "big guns" : 
"long messages are irritating" be careful and add this tactfully, or you risk severing ties. 
6- In hopeless cases: 
-delete messages without listening
-hang up the phone in the middle of a ramble attack.
- Take a prescription tranquilizer or get drunk before you talk to an ear rapist. 
- play deaf 

Drastic measures such as amputating both ears are not recommended. 


If you are like me then you have Conversational Constipation Syndrome: 
What is it that makes some people socially inept  on the telephone, while others entire social life relies on it??   The answer is simple; Conversational Constipation.. Chronic, incurable!!

Time on the phone is still time deducted from your day and life.

How are you?   Fine, thank you.  Yes, the polite thing is to then respond by:  "and You"..  BUT, for some, it's unnatural and contrived. They feel like hypocrites when they try. .. really don't want to know unless you really .. really have something extremely interesting to say e.g. " I saw a UFO" or "saw a ghost the other day".  

I know this condition aggravates many  people .. So keep it short.