Saturday, May 21, 2011

Chronic Conversational Constipation.. Is it curable?

Conversational Constipation Syndrome: 


people inflicted may have  two mobile phones, numerous gadgets to stay connected with people. Just don't like to talk on the phone, chat or speak to people face to face. They usually have low tolerance for "yappers", and phone social giants!!! 

The condition is usually severe enough that even people They love and could be dying to see, They just don't want to talk to; not on the phone not face to face. Those individuals may experience brief psychosis with redundant telephone calls and face to face conversations.

On the other hand, when it comes to non talking media i.e. not face to face media such as the internet (twitter or FB), a conversational constipated individual can be a "social giant".

- Often found in individuals  who's job requirements demand listening to peoples' complaints.. ALL DAY LONG!! to extract "useful" information from the sea of Bull Sh__ people throw at them. 
- genetic 
- individuals with limited  attention span
- individuals allergic to telephones 

Pathogenesis (what happens to people afflicted with the condition): 

In mild cases, individuals with conversational Constipation Syndrome (CCS)  may have episodes of detachment from reality where they they start little mind games or self talk e.g. bet with oneself that the person perceived as a "yapper" won't catch breath for several minutes or repeat the same none sense for a select number of times. When they reach the select number in their mind they would interrupt.

In moderate cases mind games may fail to keep the CCS afflicted individual from pleading and shouting  impulsively statements such as " I am not mentally handicapped and I swear on your Bible, Quran and Torah that "I GOT IT!!".  Such individuals may lose their jobs, face and grace when they lose impulse control.

In severe cases of CCS, the patient  may turn violent and briefly psychotic. They may fail to manage keeping themselves from jumping off their chairs over a desk and lunging at a "yappers" throat. 

The following are methods that a CCS patient can use to control oneself when confronted: 
1- Try statements like : "my attention span is not that great especially on the phone".
OR: " sorry I didn't hear the whole message it was cut off"..
2- The times You have to leave a  message make it brief and include this: "Ok, that's it.. I hate to leave long messages, talk to you soon" at the end.
3- If they still don't get the hint: adopt the escalation mode: 
 "I get too many messages, please keep them brief dear". 
4-  If still resistant: 
"Why do you have to leave such long messages.. life is too short!!  jokingly.. " 
5- Should the above methods fail, go to the "big guns" : 
"long messages are irritating" be careful and add this tactfully, or you risk severing ties. 
6- In hopeless cases: 
-delete messages without listening
-hang up the phone in the middle of a ramble attack.
- Take a prescription tranquilizer or get drunk before you talk to an ear rapist. 
- play deaf 

Drastic measures such as amputating both ears are not recommended. 


If you are like me then you have Conversational Constipation Syndrome: 
What is it that makes some people socially inept  on the telephone, while others entire social life relies on it??   The answer is simple; Conversational Constipation.. Chronic, incurable!!

Time on the phone is still time deducted from your day and life.

How are you?   Fine, thank you.  Yes, the polite thing is to then respond by:  "and You"..  BUT, for some, it's unnatural and contrived. They feel like hypocrites when they try. .. really don't want to know unless you really .. really have something extremely interesting to say e.g. " I saw a UFO" or "saw a ghost the other day".  

I know this condition aggravates many  people .. So keep it short.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Revolt Fatigue Syndrome RFS, Aka ME Uprise syndrome

Revolution fatigue syndrome:  (RFS)
Written By: A Board Certified MD; Licensed in 2 states, wanted in many     

A new Medical diagnosis for an emerging condition provoked by the ME uprises.. Mid-East Revolt Fatigue Syndrome ( MERFS).. A simplified, sarcastic, yet scientific discussion from a medical expert's perspective.
Classified as Medical Black Humor
 Triggered by ME Up-rise news. The condition starts by having an insatiable tendency to follow  updated news about the ME, write or post comments about it. The patient has a false conviction that he/she posses "infinite wisdom" and deep knowledge  that should be shared with others via posting comments every.. where.  
They use several gadgets to access social
 media and post comments everywhere

Predisposing factors:
Age: starts at age 15 or above in individuals with more than one functioning finger. 
Intelligence: above idiot level intelligence, average and superior intelligence range. 

Pathogenesis: (What happens if you have the disease)
 It starts by hearing about the uprises, especially the Egyptian uprise by monitoring the Tahrir events..This in turn ,activates the sympathetic pathways (the system responsible for fight or flight). Activation of this system is responsible  for the tendency to stay over alert and hyper-focused onto any news related to the ME uprise. 

A sudden finger jerk (often the index finger) directed towards the TV or Satellite Radio, if available, to direct the channels to news media, usually CNN , BBC, or Aljazeera, where available.

 A  Sudden acquired super sensitive hearing  to any information regarding the ME called (ME hyperacusis)  much like the bionic  ears.

In severe cases, the patient may hear voices of  common revolutionary chants. 
Chants may resonate in your head giving you a false sense of company, words like (zanga zanga, or za7f) may come to mind with the slightest provocation by random talks e.g. door to door Or by visual stimulation via a "Tock Tock" (=An evolved 4 wheeled presidential Bicycle Ghaddafi uses for transportation) 

"Tok Tok" Ghaddafi's Presidential Bicycle
The sustained adrenaline surge for many weeks, leads to increased mood swings provoked by the slightest change in events in the Mideast.. Mood changes occur as soon as  the news is turned on (a compulsive act that ME RFS sufferers have the minute they open their eyes (if they manage to sleep) . 
It ranges from mere anxiety, frustration, anger, fear (especially if camels or historic means of combat are seen on media sources). 

 It may also lead to brief periods of  slight giddiness, especially when images of the man standing behind Omar Suliman appears on TV as he announces Mubarak's "departure". It may occur if Gadhaffi emanates from a Tock Tock 

Man behind Omar Suliman,
in history behind Hitler too.
Elation periods may last 2 to 3 days until more news arise from the ME, of continued chaos and violence. Or when Egypt's army acts like the (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine) Aka in Arabic(3ndi sh3ra sa3a troo7 w sa3a teegy routine). The brief periods of elation, may maintain the adrenaline surge and allow the patient  time to bathe, shave, celebrate, and tend to normal hygiene.

Eventually, the adrenal glands  reach exhaustion. This leads to a  sharp decline of Nor-epinephrine, ACTH & cortisol stores.. sudden collapse in blood pressure, or sustained elevated blood pressure (depending on whatever will cause you more grief) .
 Ultimately, a feeling of severe fatigue (as if you were chased by a mad bull) accompanied by despair as the lack of endorphins becomes evident. 

This may lead to a lack of energy,  stamina,  frustration and in severe cases, may reach a level of depression and  possibly homicidal thoughts, or "why the heck was I born thoughts".

In few cases, the patient chases his parents around to harass them for not using birth control measures, which ultimately lead to his/her conception and  "unfortunate" birth.

Symptoms: (one or more of the following)
-A consistent obsession by ME news followed by a compulsion to turn on Social Networks; reactivating or activating accounts to seek more information about ME. 
-Total disinterest in previously interesting characters that don't share the disease.
-Loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities such as shopping, or nagging  folks.
- Loss of the ability to maintain one's appearance or keeping the bare minimum of essential grooming. In severe cases, total lack of grooming.
- Mood swings  with Few episodes, of giddiness, unrelated to caffeine or illicit substance intake.
- Picking arguments with others  or whomever has to put up with the patient's miserable attitude due to  lack of alternatives or simply the lack of another location or housing to move to. 
- Constantly following where Anderson Cooper may be.
- Poor sleep, or oversleep, with frequent nightmares of similar themes of the uprises.
- Blocking many people the patient  perceives as "A -holes" for saying whatever opinion he/she didn't feel like listening to that day, or voting differently.
- Constant sense that FB, Twitter and Anderson Cooper are more important than doing laundry or listening to your folks telling you the same stories you heard 50 times before with a polite smile and a fake look of amusement. 

Signs: (one or more of the following)

- Isolation, as folks and significant others prefer to retreat to areas where the patient is  least likely found such as, kitchen areas, or bathrooms (This is called "Avoid the lunatic" sign)
- Household members and pets, pack to leave with evidence of many suitcases scattered around. (This is the: "We should have used birth control" OR " dumping you" sign)
- Folks change the door locks (This is the:"Lock out"sign)
- The Significant others write break up notes. In some cases Cee-Lo Green's hit song "F.U." is played  on the radio dedicated to you. (This is the: "F.U." Sign)
-Dark circles around the eyes. (This is the:"panda" sign)
-Messy hair or long beards (This is the:"Gorilla" sign)
-Mountains of dirty laundry (This is the:"pig" sign)
-Rapid heart rate (Tachycardia)
- Weight loss or gain. 

Early Cases
- Early intervention by family members before  late stages. 
-Turning off  media channels
-Turning off all gadgets
In Moderate to severe cases:
-use melatonin or benadryl to get your ass to bed
-Block irritating comments, and news feed from irritating people.
-Deactivate FB account, avoid twitter ME feeds, except the writer's (my) tweets:)
-Record a long tape of relaxing music with a voice over of yourself of statements such as:
"You don't live there" .."your opinion will not change how life events take place" (may add  "idiot" -for self affirmation as needed throughout the tape).  
In resistant cases..
Or call Dr. kevorkian 
-Book a vacation where uprising is relatively unlikely such as the North pole Or Bermuda Triangle. 
- Associate yourself with people interested in other forms of disasters.
-In terminal cases, seek Dr. Kevorkian's service and beg him to save one more soul.

Disclaimer: The information above should not be used as a substitute for the direct care by a licensed Physician. The writer is not responsible for consequences as a result of information written above to any person or creature.